Until I Sleep
by incandescens
Summary: Subaru's thoughts on Hokuto and Seishirou. Heavy angst. Well, it is Subaru.


Until I Sleep   
I'm falling further in.  
  
She didn't realise what not having her there would do to me. Or did she? Is this her final attempt to get me and "Sei-chan" together? Did she know, when she put on my white robes and walked out there to be the sacrifice, how lost I would be without her?   
  
Oh my sister, my beloved, my sweet, my Hokuto, the half of my heart, the half of my soul. We were twins, but neither of us ever voiced aloud what that meant and how deep it went. This whole affair that I'm involved in now is full to bursting with echoes of twins -- twin stars at the head of it, and seven pairs facing each other across an abyss the width of the world. I've noticed some of the others looking down into it, as though they were wondering how deep it was, how long it would take to fall, and how sweet that darkness would be.   
  
He did kill me that day. It's just taking me a while to die. How long does death take? I could give a precise answer, if someone wanted to time it by my heartbeats.   
  
I almost spoke to Arashi about it, once. I think she understands. Her heart is a sword, and how can she love anybody else without giving it into their hands? That dizzying swoop of surrender, the choice of helplessness . . . Sorata has no idea what he's asking of her. "My true love has my heart, and I have his, there never was a better bargain driven . . ." But in the end I couldn't say anything. My fate was sealed before I was born, signed, stamped, and delivered, by whatever twist of fortune saw a pair of twins come out from the womb so entwined with each other that they could never entirely lose each other.   
  
Hokuto. My mirror, my reflection, my judgment; you always knew what to wear, what to do, what to say. You had the fire of impulse, while I had the water of reflection; you had the weapons of the air, while I had the acceptance of the earth. You burned so bright. The Sakurazukamori should have chosen you, perhaps, for surely he would have loved you. You would have meant something to him.   
  
Is that why you went in my place -- no, no, I will not think that, I will not accept that, I will not believe that.   
  
You were the control that would have held me back from entirely losing myself in him. I smoke the cigarettes, I wear the trenchcoat, and now I watch the world from a single eye. I look into the mirror and I no longer see the echoes of you, but only myself, a self that is becoming something else, someone else.   
  
And of course, when I am in his arms, in his hands, I can forget you, because then he is all the world to me. I am bounded by his voice, caught in his eyes, a statue under his fingers. He knows me. He is a pool of black hunger and desire. I'm not sure where one ends and the other begins. When did destruction start to become beautiful? He celebrates the transience of beauty with his sakura, and he kills people, and I love him, and I am lost, so very lost. Please, Hokuto, won't you answer me? You were always there before. You were the real world, the colors, the light, the fashions, the bright sharp conversations, the food, the talk about things like relationships and family and life. And now you're gone and I can't hold back from falling towards him.   
  
The impact will hurt.   
  
The impact will kill me.   
  
And if you were here, would you scold me the way you used to? Or would you laugh and clap your hands together for our forthcoming nuptials? It'll be a marriage, oh yes. He'll finally take me, and I won't care any more about anything. I'll shut my eyes and turn my face upwards for him to kiss me, and then I'll open them again and he'll be looking at me with those mismatched eyes and that eternal smile. I'm shaking as I think about the consummation. Take me. I'm yours. Hold my flame in your hands and breathe me in and then crush me out. Prove you care about my existence. Love me. Kill me. Let me matter enough to be given to the Sakura. When I dream of darkness, I dream of you. You are the night that I want. You are the void I yearn for. Please. Come soon, Seishirou. I'm so tired. I want to fall into you and be lost forever.   
  
Half of my heart is gone, torn out and buried under a cherry tree.   
  
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